Parliament Passes Loose Motion with Majority

After almost four decades of severe constipation on the issue, the parliament today passed a historic loose motion on tackling corruption with a thumping majority. Shit flew all around and ultimately hit the roof, as MPs cutting across party lines came together to throw up some monumental bullshit on how to remove corruption and make India a republic of honest officials and inspiring leaders.

“It feels awesome!” said a Lol Sabha member belonging to the ruling coalition as he caressed his stomach that felt much lighter after hours of passing shit, “We are willing to repeat the process once again if the citizens are not satisfied with the outcome.”

A rule book on bullshitting was given to the MPs before the debate on the motion started

The loose motion was introduced in the lower abdomen house of the parliament by an opposition MP, who argued that if the parliamentarians didn’t pass any shit, the citizens of the country would continue to support any bullshit offered by the civil society as the alternative to fight corruption.

The motion was soon accepted by the house and every member enthusiastically waited for his or her turn to crap on corruption. Some of the members appeared high on laxatives and couldn’t wait for their turn, which caused massive inconvenience to the speaker.

“Baith jaaiye, baith ke kariye,” speaker of the Lol Sabha had to request to overenthusiastic MPs, who appeared hell bent on passing shit on corruption.

Shit hit the roof when a “young” member of Lol Sabha, with royal blood in his veins, stood up to lecture on the best practices of taking a dump that must be followed by everyone.

“What crap! Whatever he was saying has been written there on the walls of Sulabh Shauchalaya for ages now, but who follows them?” an opposition MP explained why there was a massive outflow of shit at that point of time.

Things cooled down later as everyone got a chance to bullshit on corruption. Towards the end of the day, the loose motion was adopted by the parliament by a thumping majority with a voice vote, although it was not clear where the voice was coming from.

“It was our inner voice of course, we are serious about fighting corruption,” an MP told .

No it is not Chetan Bhagat its a new writer from IIM-A for LokPal Bill

Convinced that he was studying at the best management institute in India and that he had acquired all the necessary skills to solve all the problems of the world, a second year MBA student at IIM here has released his own Lokpal bill draft, which he claims would root out 86.93% corruption from the country. 25-year-old Mukesh Khanna released the draft in shape of a Facebook note, which is slowly getting mass support from fellow MBAs.

“Everyone was joining the debate and coming up with their own Lokpal bill. It was no longer a fight between the government and Anna. I heard a dalit group was coming up with Bahujan Lokpal bill. I felt an urgent need to come up with my own draft before Suhel Seth or Pritish Nandy come up with their own versions of Lokpal bill,” Mukesh explained his motives.

Chetan Bhagat, an IIM Ahmedabad alumnus, was earlier rumored to be writing his own Lokpal bill, but the best-selling author chose to support the Jan Lokpal bill.

Mukesh claims to have devoted two “night outs” to prepare his Lokpal draft, which is based on the best practices followed in the management world.

“Any aggrieved citizen can submit a PowerPoint presentation to the office of Lokpal with details of his complaint against a government official,” Mukesh explained the simple process of his own Lokpal, “If he has details of any financial irregularity, he can as well submit an Excel sheet and an inquiry against the concerned official can be initiated.”

Mukesh has proposed that Lokpal’s post should be called CEO (Corruption Eliminating Officer) and CEO’s salary should have a substantial variable component that should depend upon the amount of money he would save from going to corrupt official’s pockets.

“Not only I am freeing the government exchequer from extra burden that will arise out of establishment of Lokpal’s office, I am linking the pay (government expenses) to performance that is completely lacking in the other drafts of the Lokpal bills,” Mukesh claimed why his draft was the best, at least in Asia-Pacific.

At least 50 different MBAs have been tagged in Mukesh’s Lokpal draft Facebook note, which had gathered 231 ‘likes’ till reports last came in. Mukesh is planning to approach the government with his draft if he successfully gets at least 10000 likes, which he believes is enough to bring this government on its knees in the current scheme of things.

Mukesh refused to comment when asked if he had appropriated the right of Chetan Bhagat, an IIM Ahmedabad alumnus, to offer solutions to contentions problems.

Barkha Dutt discussed in Om Puri slurry speech at Ramlila Maidan

Barkha Dutt being discussed by Om Puri in his semi drunk speech - Dont know whether he is right or wrong but it is a funny speech Full of Tension !!!

America turns Communist

---

The new bastion of Communism

Fed up with all the economic volatility, shakiness of the financial system, rising economic inequality, and decelerating growth, the American polity seems to have thrown in the towel as far as faith in Capitalism and free markets are concerned. In what has been termed as the silent overnight revolution, America has overhauled its Constitution and transformed into the Union of Socialist American Republics (USAR). With 100% consensus on embracing Marxism, the Republican and Democrats have merged into the Communist Party of America (CPA) which has elected Comrade Obama as the Supreme Leader for a term of 15 years.

Former Republican Senate leader and right wing ideologue, Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of his now defunct party said, “Look guys, all this economic uncertainty is getting a bit much for us also. We now want the USAR Government to nationalize all economic activity, seize the wealth of American billionaires, dismantle the completely unreliable financial system, and go in for massive Soviet style planning to manage the US economy.”

President Obama meanwhile has fired his team of economic advisors and put Ben Bernanke behind bars. “I finally gave up trying to understand what fiscal stimulus and quantitative easing were all about. I am now gonna exile these guys to Alaska for f****ing with my mind for the last 2 years,” said Chairman Obama. Taking their place will be Soviet era planners, Yuri Chekov and Boris Petraus, who immigrated to the States in the 90s and took up Wall Street hedge fund quant jobs before joining the ranks of the unemployed after the 2008 meltdown.

All US corporations have been turned into PSUs (Public Sector Units) that will be manned by Comrades.  Comrade Steve Jobs, head of the Apples and Pads Industrial Division (previously known as Apple Inc) has been given the onerous task of reviving America’s apple orchards sector. “And one more thing, our new Macintosh will be far juicier and tastier than the older versions and should create jobs for American workers,” said Comrade Jobs in a briefing to the CPA  Politburo, dressed in standard Communist garb – a Mao cap and pyjamas.

Sreesanth announces “indefinite bowling” in support of Jan Lokpal

Indian fast bowler Sreesanth has extended his unconditional support to Anna Hazare in his fight to get the Jan Lokpal Bill passed by the parliament. On lines of Anna’s ongoing indefinite fast, Sreesanth has announced “indefinite bowling”, where he will bowl relentlessly and selflessly, without caring to take wickets, till his “health permits”.

“I had given eight days to my country the day Anna asked us to do so. It’s just the third day today, which means The Oval test, if it lasts full five days, falls completely under this protest period,” Sreesanth told Full Tension.

“If Anna could start his indefinite fast from the jail itself, I can surely start it from the middle of the ground,” the fast bowler explained why he decided to protest while playing cricket.

Sreesanth on a mission to remove corruption

“I will be bowling to remove corruption, not any English batsman. Taking wickets is a selfish goal aimed at improving personal records, I’d be bowling for a bigger cause,” Sreesanth explained his plan of action and hoped that he would get support from theaam aadmi.

Sreesanth claimed that he had the passion as well as the stamina to go on this “indefinite bowling” in support of eradicating corruption from public life. It should be noted that Sreesanth had bowled 36 overs all by himself in the third test match against England at Birmingham without taking any wickets.

It’s not yet clear if Sreesanth is acting independently or he has the support of the rest of the team.

“I am sure other bowlers will join me in indefinite blowing,” Sree expressed hope, “But I’m not too sure about the batsmen if they would join the protests by going on an indefinite batting drive.”

When asked if he favored bringing BCCI and IPL under the Jan Lokpal’s office, Sreesanth said, “Jai Hind!”

Unconfirmed sources inform that Navjot Singh Siddhu too had expressed desire to go on “indefinite commentary”, but was denied permission by the government as it could cause civil unrest in the country.

Kalmadi, Raja arrested while trying to flee Tihar disguised as Anna supporters

Tihar jail authorities have informed that they have foiled an attempt by Suresh Kalmadi and A Raja, currently in jail for their involvement in CWG and 2G scams respectively, to slip out of the jail disguised as anti-corruption activists. Both the leaders were found wearing white caps and had their face covered with white towels, but were apprehended before they could step out of Tihar Jail.

“Once we got the release warrant for Anna Hazare, we decided to release him and all his supporters,” DGP of Tihar jail informed, “But we realized that some persons standing in the queue for getting out of jail looked familiar. Everyone was wearingGandhi topi and white clothes like Anna, but body languages of at least two of them appeared nervous.”

Kalmadi disguised as an anti-corruption activist

Upon close inspection, Tihar jail authorities found out that they were Kalmadi and Raja, with their faces covered but shouting slogans to remove corruption from India.

“While they were among the loudest, their hands were trembling as they punched fists in air while shouting slogans,” Tihar jail DGP informed how the authorities became suspicious. When authorities accosted both of them and removed their towels, they were shocked to see the leaders.

Tihar Jail sources told Full Tension team that initially Kalmadi and Raja denied their identities and insisted that they were arrested along with Anna this morning, but after jail officials checked their cells, the jailbreak plot was unearthed.

“We found one anti-corruption activist each in their cells,” a jail source confirmed, “The activists had their limbs tied and mouth gagged with a piece of cloth, and were found wearing Kalmadi’s and Raja’s dress.  It seems Kalmadi and Raja had forcibly exchanged the clothes with those two activists.”

It’s not yet clear how those two anti-corruption activists landed up in Kalmadi’s and Raja’s cells. Unconfirmed sources suggest that the leaders had lured them with delicious food as both of them were on hunger strike since last evening.

“They trusted the leaders’ words because they were hungry,” a jail official said.

US may ‘take out’ S&P, President Obama addresses nation in his 9/11 moment

---

President Obama addresses the nation in the aftermath of the S&P attack

In what is being termed as the defining moment of his Presidency and one of the greatest Presidential war time speeches (editor – economic war in this case), President Obama addressed the nation in the aftermath of Standard & Poor (S&P) cutting America’s sovereign credit rating.

Sitting at his White House Office desk, with a family photo of Michele and the kids poignantly placed in the background, President Obama stared purposefully into the cameras and addressed the nation in a solemn presidential tone:

“My fellow Americans, on Friday, August 8th 2011, the American way of life was attacked. In a dastardly and despicable act of cowardice and incompetence, S&P 500 downgraded American’s sovereign credit rating in a bid to intimidate America economically.

This act of economic barbarism has plunged world markets into chaos and attempted to undermine the American way of life.

But the cowards at S&P have failed. Downgrading America’s credit rating will not weaken our resolve …to collectively raise more debt, continue to spend profligately, and keep the American economy chugging along.

America was targeted because it is the beacon of economic freedom and land of choices especially when it comes to credit and..er.. inter-temporal spacing of consumption.

S&P may have tried to sow doubts regarding America’s prudent fiscal management and the foundations of the economy. However, Americans will not be deterred by these acts of economic terror…they will continue to work hard, party hard and take recourse to credit whenever required.

The search is now on for the perpetrators of this vile act. I’ve directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible for this heinous act and bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between those who were economically incompetent and those who genuinely believed in their economic analysis.

God bless America.”

Political commentators have labeled this crisis as Obama’s 9/11 and expect him to act boldly and decisively to restore America’s honour and prestige. The Obama administration has now given S&P 24 hours to upgrade America’s sovereign credit rating to AAA+ and apologize to the American people.

If S&P fails to accede unconditionally to the administration’s demands, President Obama will authorize the launch of ‘Operation enduring economic freedom to raise more debt’ under which the S&P leadership will be ‘taken out’. Predator drones have been sent in to reconnoiter the Standard & Poor headquarters located on Water Street, New York. At precisely 013 hours(EST) on August 11th, elite seals may be para-dropped onto the S&P building to ‘neutralize’ high value S&P targets and take control of the area.