America turns Communist

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The new bastion of Communism

Fed up with all the economic volatility, shakiness of the financial system, rising economic inequality, and decelerating growth, the American polity seems to have thrown in the towel as far as faith in Capitalism and free markets are concerned. In what has been termed as the silent overnight revolution, America has overhauled its Constitution and transformed into the Union of Socialist American Republics (USAR). With 100% consensus on embracing Marxism, the Republican and Democrats have merged into the Communist Party of America (CPA) which has elected Comrade Obama as the Supreme Leader for a term of 15 years.

Former Republican Senate leader and right wing ideologue, Mitch McConnell, speaking on behalf of his now defunct party said, “Look guys, all this economic uncertainty is getting a bit much for us also. We now want the USAR Government to nationalize all economic activity, seize the wealth of American billionaires, dismantle the completely unreliable financial system, and go in for massive Soviet style planning to manage the US economy.”

President Obama meanwhile has fired his team of economic advisors and put Ben Bernanke behind bars. “I finally gave up trying to understand what fiscal stimulus and quantitative easing were all about. I am now gonna exile these guys to Alaska for f****ing with my mind for the last 2 years,” said Chairman Obama. Taking their place will be Soviet era planners, Yuri Chekov and Boris Petraus, who immigrated to the States in the 90s and took up Wall Street hedge fund quant jobs before joining the ranks of the unemployed after the 2008 meltdown.

All US corporations have been turned into PSUs (Public Sector Units) that will be manned by Comrades.  Comrade Steve Jobs, head of the Apples and Pads Industrial Division (previously known as Apple Inc) has been given the onerous task of reviving America’s apple orchards sector. “And one more thing, our new Macintosh will be far juicier and tastier than the older versions and should create jobs for American workers,” said Comrade Jobs in a briefing to the CPA  Politburo, dressed in standard Communist garb – a Mao cap and pyjamas.

US may ‘take out’ S&P, President Obama addresses nation in his 9/11 moment

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President Obama addresses the nation in the aftermath of the S&P attack

In what is being termed as the defining moment of his Presidency and one of the greatest Presidential war time speeches (editor – economic war in this case), President Obama addressed the nation in the aftermath of Standard & Poor (S&P) cutting America’s sovereign credit rating.

Sitting at his White House Office desk, with a family photo of Michele and the kids poignantly placed in the background, President Obama stared purposefully into the cameras and addressed the nation in a solemn presidential tone:

“My fellow Americans, on Friday, August 8th 2011, the American way of life was attacked. In a dastardly and despicable act of cowardice and incompetence, S&P 500 downgraded American’s sovereign credit rating in a bid to intimidate America economically.

This act of economic barbarism has plunged world markets into chaos and attempted to undermine the American way of life.

But the cowards at S&P have failed. Downgrading America’s credit rating will not weaken our resolve …to collectively raise more debt, continue to spend profligately, and keep the American economy chugging along.

America was targeted because it is the beacon of economic freedom and land of choices especially when it comes to credit and..er.. inter-temporal spacing of consumption.

S&P may have tried to sow doubts regarding America’s prudent fiscal management and the foundations of the economy. However, Americans will not be deterred by these acts of economic terror…they will continue to work hard, party hard and take recourse to credit whenever required.

The search is now on for the perpetrators of this vile act. I’ve directed the full resources of our intelligence and law enforcement communities to find those responsible for this heinous act and bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between those who were economically incompetent and those who genuinely believed in their economic analysis.

God bless America.”

Political commentators have labeled this crisis as Obama’s 9/11 and expect him to act boldly and decisively to restore America’s honour and prestige. The Obama administration has now given S&P 24 hours to upgrade America’s sovereign credit rating to AAA+ and apologize to the American people.

If S&P fails to accede unconditionally to the administration’s demands, President Obama will authorize the launch of ‘Operation enduring economic freedom to raise more debt’ under which the S&P leadership will be ‘taken out’. Predator drones have been sent in to reconnoiter the Standard & Poor headquarters located on Water Street, New York. At precisely 013 hours(EST) on August 11th, elite seals may be para-dropped onto the S&P building to ‘neutralize’ high value S&P targets and take control of the area.