Parliament Passes Loose Motion with Majority

After almost four decades of severe constipation on the issue, the parliament today passed a historic loose motion on tackling corruption with a thumping majority. Shit flew all around and ultimately hit the roof, as MPs cutting across party lines came together to throw up some monumental bullshit on how to remove corruption and make India a republic of honest officials and inspiring leaders.

“It feels awesome!” said a Lol Sabha member belonging to the ruling coalition as he caressed his stomach that felt much lighter after hours of passing shit, “We are willing to repeat the process once again if the citizens are not satisfied with the outcome.”

A rule book on bullshitting was given to the MPs before the debate on the motion started

The loose motion was introduced in the lower abdomen house of the parliament by an opposition MP, who argued that if the parliamentarians didn’t pass any shit, the citizens of the country would continue to support any bullshit offered by the civil society as the alternative to fight corruption.

The motion was soon accepted by the house and every member enthusiastically waited for his or her turn to crap on corruption. Some of the members appeared high on laxatives and couldn’t wait for their turn, which caused massive inconvenience to the speaker.

“Baith jaaiye, baith ke kariye,” speaker of the Lol Sabha had to request to overenthusiastic MPs, who appeared hell bent on passing shit on corruption.

Shit hit the roof when a “young” member of Lol Sabha, with royal blood in his veins, stood up to lecture on the best practices of taking a dump that must be followed by everyone.

“What crap! Whatever he was saying has been written there on the walls of Sulabh Shauchalaya for ages now, but who follows them?” an opposition MP explained why there was a massive outflow of shit at that point of time.

Things cooled down later as everyone got a chance to bullshit on corruption. Towards the end of the day, the loose motion was adopted by the parliament by a thumping majority with a voice vote, although it was not clear where the voice was coming from.

“It was our inner voice of course, we are serious about fighting corruption,” an MP told .

Sreesanth announces “indefinite bowling” in support of Jan Lokpal

Indian fast bowler Sreesanth has extended his unconditional support to Anna Hazare in his fight to get the Jan Lokpal Bill passed by the parliament. On lines of Anna’s ongoing indefinite fast, Sreesanth has announced “indefinite bowling”, where he will bowl relentlessly and selflessly, without caring to take wickets, till his “health permits”.

“I had given eight days to my country the day Anna asked us to do so. It’s just the third day today, which means The Oval test, if it lasts full five days, falls completely under this protest period,” Sreesanth told Full Tension.

“If Anna could start his indefinite fast from the jail itself, I can surely start it from the middle of the ground,” the fast bowler explained why he decided to protest while playing cricket.

Sreesanth on a mission to remove corruption

“I will be bowling to remove corruption, not any English batsman. Taking wickets is a selfish goal aimed at improving personal records, I’d be bowling for a bigger cause,” Sreesanth explained his plan of action and hoped that he would get support from theaam aadmi.

Sreesanth claimed that he had the passion as well as the stamina to go on this “indefinite bowling” in support of eradicating corruption from public life. It should be noted that Sreesanth had bowled 36 overs all by himself in the third test match against England at Birmingham without taking any wickets.

It’s not yet clear if Sreesanth is acting independently or he has the support of the rest of the team.

“I am sure other bowlers will join me in indefinite blowing,” Sree expressed hope, “But I’m not too sure about the batsmen if they would join the protests by going on an indefinite batting drive.”

When asked if he favored bringing BCCI and IPL under the Jan Lokpal’s office, Sreesanth said, “Jai Hind!”

Unconfirmed sources inform that Navjot Singh Siddhu too had expressed desire to go on “indefinite commentary”, but was denied permission by the government as it could cause civil unrest in the country.

Kalmadi, Raja arrested while trying to flee Tihar disguised as Anna supporters

Tihar jail authorities have informed that they have foiled an attempt by Suresh Kalmadi and A Raja, currently in jail for their involvement in CWG and 2G scams respectively, to slip out of the jail disguised as anti-corruption activists. Both the leaders were found wearing white caps and had their face covered with white towels, but were apprehended before they could step out of Tihar Jail.

“Once we got the release warrant for Anna Hazare, we decided to release him and all his supporters,” DGP of Tihar jail informed, “But we realized that some persons standing in the queue for getting out of jail looked familiar. Everyone was wearingGandhi topi and white clothes like Anna, but body languages of at least two of them appeared nervous.”

Kalmadi disguised as an anti-corruption activist

Upon close inspection, Tihar jail authorities found out that they were Kalmadi and Raja, with their faces covered but shouting slogans to remove corruption from India.

“While they were among the loudest, their hands were trembling as they punched fists in air while shouting slogans,” Tihar jail DGP informed how the authorities became suspicious. When authorities accosted both of them and removed their towels, they were shocked to see the leaders.

Tihar Jail sources told Full Tension team that initially Kalmadi and Raja denied their identities and insisted that they were arrested along with Anna this morning, but after jail officials checked their cells, the jailbreak plot was unearthed.

“We found one anti-corruption activist each in their cells,” a jail source confirmed, “The activists had their limbs tied and mouth gagged with a piece of cloth, and were found wearing Kalmadi’s and Raja’s dress.  It seems Kalmadi and Raja had forcibly exchanged the clothes with those two activists.”

It’s not yet clear how those two anti-corruption activists landed up in Kalmadi’s and Raja’s cells. Unconfirmed sources suggest that the leaders had lured them with delicious food as both of them were on hunger strike since last evening.

“They trusted the leaders’ words because they were hungry,” a jail official said.

Manish Tiwari to organize Light-Bulb walk to oppose anna's call to switch off lights

Congress leader Manish Tewari has announced that he would be moving around in the streets of Delhi with a light-bulb to oppose Team Anna’s call to switch off lights between 8-9 PM tonight in support of Jan Lokpal Bill. Tewari has expressed hope and confidence that many more Congress leaders and activists would join him with lighted bulbs and tube-lights and defeat the nefarious designs of the “A Company”.

“Thousands of bulbs would come out and expose Anna,” Manish Tewari announced in a press conference holding out a 60-watt lighted light-bulb. The Congress spokesman further claimed that the call to switch off lights for an hour was “unconstitutional”.

“It’s also raining in Delhi today so candle flames could get doused off,” a close aide of Manish Tewari explained the lucid thinking and strategizing skills of the Congress leader, who is climbing up the Congress ranks with a speed inversely proportional to the speed of his speech delivery.

Sources suggest that Tewari, a lawyer by profession, chose light-bulbs over traditional candle-lights as a mode of protest to differentiate himself from Anna supporters, who usually take out candle-light marches.

Tewari was joined by Kapil Sibal and Digvijay Singh at the press conference, who declared that their supporters would come up with thousands of bright bulbs and tube-lights aimed at outshining Anna Hazare’s campaign.

“Anna is spreading darkness but Congress will show the light,” Sibal said.

Sibal also said that Congress workers will move around with light-bulbs in every locality of Delhi as it was the fundamental right of a citizen to protest.

Sibal also ridiculed Anna’s idea of switching off lights.

“Can he guarantee that it will end corruption?” Sibal asked.

Digvijay Singh also said something.

Full Tension correspondent was asked to leave the press conference when he asked if the company supplying light-bulbs and tube-lights for the protest was the same that provided street-lights during the Commonwealth Games.

Dr. Manmohan Singh also joins crowds protesting against corruption at India Gate

Protesters at India Gate were pleasantly surprised to find a very familiar looking, genial Sardar in a blue turban holding a candle and softly shouting slogans in support of Anna’s Janlokpal bill. It indeed was the Prime Minister of India! Dr. Singh quickly dashed to 7, Race Course after the end of the day’s Parliament session for a quick snack and then rushed to join the protestors at approximately 8 PM. The Prime Minister, dressed in classical activist attire (India against Corruption T shirt and Jeans) held a banner in his left hand and two Tiger biscuit packets in his right hand, so that he could put a night outer under India Gate.

Dr. Singh participated in the protests with as much energy as he could muster

“I am also fed up with all this corruption in the Government yaar. And just like the common man, I feel helpless and frustrated at my Government’s obduracy. Corruption has made life miserable for me,” said a highly agitated Dr. Singh, jostling with several other protesters to get into the frame of the camera held by a Times Now Reporter. When queried on why he cannot use his office to push for a powerful and effective Lokpal bill, Dr. Singh shrugged, “Yaar, What can I do? I am personally in favor of bringing [PM’s] office under the ambit of the Janlokpal, lekin cabinet mein koi meri baat sunta hi nahin!” The PM then tore away to join a band of sloganeering protestors and began to chant with all the energy he could muster, “Anna ki maang poori karo, Janlokpal bill to lagoo karo.”

An official from the PMO’s office later in the night read out a terse statement confirming the presence of the PM in the midst of protestors at India Gate to reporters. “The PM, strictly in his private and unofficial capacity, will be joining the protestors every day after 6PM at India Gate and Ramlila Maidan for the remaining duration of Shri Anna Hazare’s fast. Even public figures are entitled to their private moments during non office hours. We therefore request the public and media to be mindful of this and respect Dr. Singh’s private space.”

The PMO has downplayed the inherent contradictions of Dr. Singh’s government opposing Team Anna’s demands on one hand and Dr. Singh joining the protest in support of Anna on the other. “Govt. officials, including Dr. Singh, are also living, breathing human beings with emotions, aspirations, personal opinions, ok! Can’t Dr. Singh as a citizen of India join a peaceful assembly to protest against his own Government and give vent to his acute frustration? Haven’t you heard about the concept of compartmentalization?” said the PMO officer, momentarily losing his composure. The PMO official confirmed that  this will be Dr. Singh’s first tryst with street activism. “He did have an opportunity to take part in some protests during his student days at Punjab University, Chandigarh, but he rightly let it pass since it would have impacted his studies,” informed the official.

Dr. Singh will also volunteer during non office hours to help Team Anna with budgetary planning and economizing of resources during the course of the anti-graft satyagraha.

Transcripts: of Congress core group meeting that lead to Anna’s release

Just hours after the arrest of Anna Hazare, a nation takes to the streets protesting against the strong hand tactics of the government. Shaken by the people’s response,  senior Congress leaders urgently convene a meeting at 10 Janpath to decide the course of action. Seen sitting around the conference room, in the midst of heated discussions are Kapil Sibal, P Chidambaram, Pranab Mukherjee and Digvijay Singh. Dr. Singh is watching them with a wooden expression. Rahul Gandhi is seen slouched in his chair looking utterly bored. Oblivious to the rest of the room is Manish Tewari, who is sitting in a corner, picking his nose with ardent enthusiasm.

Kapil Sibal: Ok, guys, thanks to our Madrasi genius here (points at Chidambaram), we are in deep shit.

Chidambaram slumps deeper in his chair and sulks

Pranab Mukherjee (barely hiding his glee): Yesh Chiddu, dish is bad, whot were you thinking, dumb fellow? Jails are overflowing. Shtreets are fool of peepal.

Chidambaram (perks up): Umm…  I have a suggestion there… To make space at Tihar, why don’t we release Kalmadi, Raja, Kanimozhi and the other people over there?

Kapil Sibal: Enough of your genius ideas man. Can we now focus on the steps ahead? One by one, please give me ideas.

Dr. Manmohan Singh: I think…

Digvijay Singh (interrupts): Why don’t we have Rahul Baba embark on another padyatra in UP and get arrested by Mayawati? Then maybe people will get distracted.

Kapil Sibal: Er… no offense to Rahul Baba. But people in UP also have to support him, right? What if no one gives a shit? People in UP seem to be content with Mayawati’s land acquisition policies. Mayawati may not even arrest Rahul which would be an even bigger insult.

The leaders nod gravely

Pranab Mukherjee (with sudden enthusiasm): My misshush hash made shome oshome roshogullas and mishti dohi. We can tempt Annaji and break hish fasht (winks)

Dr. Manmohan Singh: But…

Manish Tewari (interrupts): I think we should build on my statement to the media the other day and attack Anna further. Check out the statement I have prepared. (stands up) “Annaji (pauses) is steeped in corruption. (pauses). According to a High Court report (pauses) he has allegedly used 2 lakh crores of public money for his own purposes…

Digvijay Singh (coughs delicately): Um… Manish, …  2 lakhs, not 2 Lakh crores. Don’t confuse him with us.

Manish Tewari: Oops.. sorry.. got a little excited, used to dealing with crores only (grins sheepishly)

Dr. Manmohan Singh: I think…

Kapil Sibal (throws up his hands in frustration): 2 lakhs? This is a bloody joke! This is so difficult yaar! How much mud can we throw on him? The guy has given us nothing to work with. He lives in a temple for God’s sake. Has no assets. Has no hidden agenda. What the hell do we do? He is after all an aam aadmi !

At this point, Rahul Gandhi, who had hitherto not participated in the discussion at all, suddenly perks up.

“WHAT?” he exclaims, looking at Sibal. “Anna Hazare is an aam aadmi?”

Kapil Sibal looks back blankly, unsure of how to react. Rahul Gandhi leaps from his chair.

“IS THIS TRUE?” he thunders, his gaze sweeping across every face in the room“ANNA HAZARE IS AN AAM AADMI???”

A shattering silence descends on the room.

—-

Minutes later, the government issues an order to release Anna Hazare. Unofficial reports also suggest that Rahul Gandhi is expected to ring up Anna Hazare and request him to call off his protest and return to his home, so that he can personally visit his village, listen to his issues and possibly spend a night at his home as well.